When I was 18 years old, after seven years of problems, I was diagnosed with chronic dysphagia. For those of you who don't know what that means, it means trouble swallowing.
I first noticed I had a problem when I was about 13, and I had a hard time initiating a swallow. It's hard to describe, but just think that any time you tried to eat something, no matter how you tried, it would either stay in your mouth, or go down the wrong way. I tried working around it, and washing everything down with liquid, because that seemed to be the only way I could trigger my swallow. By the time I got to college, it had stopped working. I would spend an hour at the table trying to eat a piece of bread, while going through at least three glasses of water to do it. I became agitated, frustrated with myself. Eventually, I was reduced to chicken broth and milk. I didn't know what else to do.
Finally, I swallowed my pride and saw a doctor. And another, and another, and another, and another….until finally I was told plainly in a handwritten letter from an esteemed neurologist at the University of Utah, that I had deep rooted childhood issues and should consider seeing a psychologist.
Hmmmm. Ok, I'm crazy, I can live with that. But perhaps he could have been a little more professional about it. No, I'm not crazy. I have structural issues. Imagine tiny rubber bands twisted around your esophagus every couple centimeters all the way down, add a bar-like protrusion to the very top, and you've got what my throat looks like. The thing of it is, a lot of people have these problems, just not quite as sever as mine. I've accepted that some of my problem is due to anxiety now after all these years, but even if I weren't anxious about eating, my diet would still have to be modified to accommodate my problematic structure. The way I have found works best for me is liquefaction.
Everything I eat has to be liquified. Sounds gross? Yeah, took me awhile to come to terms with it as well. But, after I got over the initial disgust of "drinking" my meals, I began to experiment. I had a friend once who, after getting her wisdom teeth removed, blended a cheese burger with milk so she wouldn't have to chew it. I thought this was brilliant, and decided to try it. Thanks to my amazing parents, my birthday present that year was a commercial grade VitaMix blender. I'll admit, it was kind of nasty at first, but then, I realized, I could taste the food I blended. I hadn't in such a long time, and I became addicted. I blended anything and everything I could think of. After a lot of trial and error, I discovered certain things were good with milk, and others were better with a chicken or vegetable broth. However unconventional it was, I could eat food again.
Still, things get awkward at social gatherings, restaurants, and so forth. It's amazing just how much of our culture revolves around food. One of the best, or I should say worst comments, directed at me was by the well-meaning hostess at my husband's latin mission reunion. When she saw I wasn't eating, she came up and asked if she could get me something, which I politely declined. I don't normally like to explain unless I have to. She laughed and told me there was also "American" food prepared, it wasn't all "Mexican". I was about to tell her I had no aversion for latin cuisine, but my husband stepped in and told her quite plainly to not make silly judgements, and then told her about my problem. She seemed embarrassed, told me how sorry she was I was that way, and offered to "blend" me something. We didn't stay much longer.
I feel bad for my husband sometimes, we hardly ever go out to eat, and if we do, it's a drive through. One of my good college buddies said that as soon as I was fixed, he would come make me lasagna, no matter how old I was. I always worry about what my kids are going to think when they are older. Right now, my little one year old could care less that mommy runs her blender at least three times a day and never uses a fork.
Like I said though, I have come to terms with the way that I am, and I am comfortable with it. I realize that unless some grate miracle takes place, I will probably be like this the rest of my life, and that's okay. No one is perfect, physically or intellectually. You just have to cling to the age old saying "when life gives you lemons….blend them with a lot of sugar!"
No comments:
Post a Comment